10. A Hero Never Dies

7:05
LAST MOVIE!!! I'm excited! 

7:09
So does he tell your fortune before or after beating you with a stick.  My guess is it's after.  Since he hasn't stop beating this guy yet. 

7:11
"God is the one that carries a gun" - Does that make Jack (one of our heroes?) God?  Also, nothing like taking a group pee break.  A gang that pees together, stays together.  Why is this pee so epic??

7:13
Whoops!  Took my eyes off for one second and now there seems to be some shoot off between gangs.  I'm not really sure what happened.  But some guy just decapitated himself.  Now that takes talent.

7:16
Do you not notice or do you not give a fu*k about the annoying laser that has been following you around for the past 3 minutes?  Also to the shooter.  WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?  Honestly these are like the worst assassins.  Good assassins would go in and just get the job done and leave.  No regrets.  Gah.

7:19
Yes, tell the dueling gang leaders that they should get together and talk things out.  Ummm you know thats going to end in a gun fight.  Or in this case extreme bumper cars.

7:20
The romantic music and wine makes me think this is where they are going to fall in love.  Good ole Jack and Martin.  No I seriously feel like they might start slow dancing at any minute.  But I guess I can settle for a wine fight meeting extreme quarters.

7:24
THESE ARE THE HEAVIEST QUARTERS EVER!  Ever glass breaks no matter how slowly it drops.

7:26
I guess they are friends now because they decided to sample each other wines.  Don't take that the wrong way. 

7:27
I literally have no idea where this movie is going as they have this wine montage.

7:28
Thanks for coming ladies, let's just leave you here with our broken cars.  Have fun getting home.  Man guys are so dumb sometimes.

7:34
So now Martin took a trip to the fotune teller.  He also shot him in the foot and then procedded to take a group pee outside just like Jack.  Is this a custom?  I really have no idea why everyone feels the need to pee after shooting someone.  Is this the ultimate FU!

7:41
So they probably shooting of used their flashlights as wakie talkies because I'm pretty sure they gave away their location.  Jack's group was hiding their leader and Martin's group started shooting all the guards with their laser pointer funs.

7:43
Now I don't know much about guns but you would think someone during this long gun fight would have to reload.

7:45
THEY RELOADED!! As they continue to shoot each other through the wall.  I'm just wondering who's going to be left to call the doctor to save their asses.  Everyone seems to be dead.

 7:50
Why is he speaking English to them?  Well after that big bloody gun fight the leaders of both gangs meet up with a general and they decide to make a truce and be friends.  To which recieves a slow clap response from the General.

7:55
So some well trained examples (if by well trained I mean well feed) came to the hospital to kill Jack.  His lady love was able to take his body and hide it in the morgue while she burned to death.  Womp womp. 

7:58
A Cripple doesn't make you a baby Martin!  Grow the fu*k up!  Martin lost his legs and insists now to mope around in bed and piss himself constantly. 

8:04
I'm not sure what country they are in now.  I'm thinking China.  And if it is then China really is no place to be handicapped.  No one even helps her take his wheelchair up flights a stair.  Thanks for nothing dueches.

8:09
She made too much of a fuss to try and get the boss to help out Martin so now she is dead too.  This movie is kind of depressing.

8:13
Martin seems to finally have some drive.  He found himself some bottles and uses them as oars to push himself around on his man-made homeless man wheelchair.  But first he has to climb a mountain of garbage to prove himself.  And I guess brush up on his sniper skills.

8:16
Meanwhile Jack is delievering ice and being stalked by teenage girls.  Apparently his lady love is still alive, just very badly burned to the point of looking like a mummy.

8:21
I don't know about you, but all the gangsters I know drive around in Minivans.  Martin was waiting at the top of building to pick off the boss but he didn't seem to see the metal pole and hit that instead hnow all the gang members are after him.  He gets snhot but managees to escape.

8:24
This sound editing is weird.  Just saying.  It seems to cut in and out at odd places.

8:25
Injured he goes back to his bring your own wine bar (worst bar ever!) and has some of his old wine, listens to his favorite music, then goes back to climb up the building and tries again to shoot the boss.  hopefully he will have more luckc this time.

8:27
This movie is making me angry.  WHY ARE YOU WASTING ALL THAT WINE!?!

8:30
Back to Jack.  His vain girlfriend asks him to kill her because she hates being ugly.  So he does.  Then he's all made so he goes to kill the fat assassin.

8:32
Martin gets his second chance and doesn't even try to shoot him.  Did he die?  Did he fall asleep with his eyes open?  Was he distracted by the bugs crawling all over him.  Jack goes to the bar and learns that Martin already drank the wine without him (impatient fool).  Po (the bartender) tells him of Martin's plan to kill the gang leader and Jack decides to help him.

8:34
Weekend at Bernies! Weekend at Bernies!  I is so excited.  Jack totally is using Martin's dead body to help be a distraction so he can kill everyone.  Awesome.

8:38
These guns are so sensitive.  Every bump Martin goes over makes his gun go off.  Also how many bullets does it take to kill someone because they seem to be taking a lot.

8:40
I would just like to point out that even though the movie is called A Hero Never Dies both the heroes (if you want to call them that) die at the end.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iEsaDRl52Y

9. Ichi the Killer

3:23
I hope the movie is suppose to be this jumpy and isn't just a bad file.

3:26
Well, I think this is the first movie where I've seen where the title appears in jizz.  Should be an interesting show.

3:28
Eww.  If I feel into blood and guts the I would definitely not remove my mask.  Unless I started puking (which is a good possibility) then I might.  Three masked men entered a house only to slip and fall into a body's bloody carcass.  Apparently Ichi was here and he was the one that killed the guy.  

3:32
What?  Who has an alligator as a pet? 

3:34
So blondie interrupted Karen's date to question her is she knows where the boss might be.  They are thinking that he got killed by another gang even though the rumor going around is that he stole a bunch of money and then ran away.  Anyway that first date seemed to get a whole lot more awkward after being sandwiched between the two and talking about her lover disappearing and possible being dead. 

3:36
I'm not sure what this waiter did, but his boss just handed him a knife and basically told him to kill himself.  Is this going to be another movie obsessed with suicide?

3:40
Mmmm.  Are they making tempura?  If you're going to be tortured and hung up by giant fish hooks I would at least hope they give him some of that tempura.  That would be the worst part otherwise. 

3:43
Ok.  I lied the worst part would be getting the hot oil dumped all over your bum which seems to be missing a crack on this guy.  Alien?  Yikes though.  How is his skin holding up after being stretched to the limit, supporting his weight, and then hot oil dumped all over. 

3:46
When Suzuki's (fish hook man) gang comes to find out what happened, things get a little tense.  In the confusion they try and tell the gang they were tipped by a mysterious man and then point to him, only he is gone now.  How does one disappear when surrounded by gang members?

3:49
Now in order to apologize for the torture, blondie says he is going to cut the thing that satisfies him (I think that's the phrase he uses).  One would think this would be his penis but I guess he is part of the 7% that thinks about food more than sex because he cuts off the tip of his tongue.  Just the tip. 

3:51
Sorry blondie.  You're not like a lizard and the human body just not regenerate itself. 

3:53
Wow.  I didn't realize it was so easy to break fingers.  He bent all her fingers backwards in seconds. 

3:55
They inspect a mans house and after putting him inside a TV they find a bad full of money.  Some of the money has blood stains on it.  Blondie licks it and apparently he hasn't lost all of his taste buds because he knows it is the bosses blood.  What kind of relationship did those two have exactly?  The man in the TV says he was killed by a man named Ichi and that Ichi's next target is Blondie.

3:59
Ooops.  Is that my cell phone interrupting our kill?  My bad.  This is coming from the lets call them flower power bandits because they are dressed in camo and have what appears to be flowers all over their masks.  They ask fish hook about the sliced mouth man aka Blondie. 

4:02
If you plan on saving a girl from being rapped you should probably do more than just stand there telling him your sorry and crying.  KICK HIS ASS MAN!  There you go.  He just sliced him half with his ice skate like shoe.  Now leave before you make things worse.

4:06
Should have taken my advice and left.  The girl he was saving from getting beat up and rapped, well afterwards he told her that he would be the one beating her up now (great line man.  works on all the girls) and when she responded like any normal person and tried to hit him with a bat something backfired and ended up slicing her neck and killing her. 

4:09
Haha.  KFC in the background.  Nice

4:14
Plot update.  Blondie's gang gets expelled and they are told that basically anyone in the gang is going to be killed by other gangs but yet they can't leave the gang because Blondie will kill them.  He is still hell bent on finding is old boss and is torturing people left and right (like pulling off some one's cheek with his bar hands).  Meanwhile Ichi seems to be the son of one of the flower power gang (that also consists of the stranger who started trouble between gangs by pinning them against each other).  Ichi doesn't seem to be all there mentally. 

4:20
Ichi's dad is trying to use his instability and aggression toward bullies to kill all the gang members.  And it seems to be working.  He kicks open the door and it is immediately followed with a spraying of blood, guts, and even some one's face. 

4:31
When Ichi tries and go to his usually sleazy hang out they kick him out and start beating him up.  One of Blondie's gang members Kaneko (?)  sees him and is reminded of himself when he was going so he steps in and saves him.  Ichi is very grateful. 

4:33
Oh.  My.  God.  Are they eating Pho!! Leave it to me to want everything they are eating in movies.  Even when the movies are full of gore. 

4:37
Ichi gets some awkwardly timed boners. 

4:42
Apparently Karen is working with Ichi's dad.  Or at least flirting with him to get more information about Ichi. Turns out Ichi's dad isn't really a dad but a hypnotist that altered Ichi's memory to get him to do what he wants.

4:45
Holy nipple pinch.  They torture a prostitute to try and find where Ichi might be.  She doesn't tell but they are able to umm... sniff it out her.  Which is gross and really pervey.  Instead it leads to Longie - the other half of the flower power duo.

4:52
Whats the point of piercings if you're just going to rip them out anyway, Blondie?  Blondie and Longie get in a fist fight and after telling him there is no love in his punches Blondie rips out his own piercings.  Then when Longie tries to punch him in the mouth, Blondie some how ends up eating his first.  I guess that explains his Joker scars.

4:58
"I wanted you to rape me"  Would that still be considered rape then?  Karen shows up to Ichi and says she is the one from his childhood that was rapped in front of him and then knowing his condition goes on to seduce him.  Then she gets confused why he starts slicing her up.  Hmmm maybe because you told him you wanted him to you dumb biotch.

5:07
Hahahahah WHAT?!  No way.  So that old man that hypnotised Ichi and has seem so old and brittle the whole movie takes off his jump suit and turns out to be a body builder.  Hahahaha.  I don't buy it.

5:11
The bodybuilder gives Ichi the photos of the remaining gang members and tells Ichi to go and get them.  Also that if he doesn't his big brother (Longie?) is going to be killed by them.

5:18
After killing the rest (in a pretty unepic way) Ichi, Blondie, and Koneka are on the roof.  Blondie is loving the fact that he is probably going to get slaughtered but when Ichi recognizes Koneka he stops fighting and just keeps asking him why.  Koneka shoots him the legs which pisses off Ichi and he ends up getting his throat sliced in front of his own son, who snuck onto the roof.  Tear.  Also stay away from him when your gushing out blood.  You're going to scar him for life.  Ichi starts sobbing but Blondie still wants to fight (get the shit kicked out of him) after about 5 minutes he gives up

5:24
This is a very strange ending.  I almost feel bad for Blondie because there is no one left to kill him and he is the one that wanted it the most.  That is until Ichi goes crazy again, kills the little boy, and is now ready to kill Blondie.

5:28
I'm sorry but all I can think is "Let's put a smile on that face"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haiSf60UsPQ

8. Wild Zero

8:07
Okay.  Another crazy movie.  Back to back.  You can do it!

8:09
"In case the meteorite landed in your back yard, please don't use it as a centerpiece"  Are there going to be aliens in this movie?!

8:10
Oooo.  Japanese Greaser.  What a little cutie. 

8:13
Well, that's an interesting pee shot.  I don't think I've seen one like that before.  It really is nothing special.  Just different. 

8:15
I'm not really sure what this movie is about yet.  There are aliens one minute, then rock and roll bands, then crack whores, and men who wear really short shorts. 

8:16
Did he just put cocaine in his milk?  Is that another way to take it.  Man I feel stupid when it comes to drugs.  Anyways short shorts and rock n rollers lead by Guitar Wolf have loaded guns pointed at each other.  Something about being a pervert, I'm not exactly sure why they drew guns. 

8:18
The greaser kid from earlier barged into the room to defend rock n roll when he gets punched in the face.  Some one's gun goes off and some random dude's head explodes and short shorts has fingers blown off.  Guitar Wolf then makes greaser a blood brother and gives him a rape whistle to blow if he is ever in danger.  Am I suppose to understand what is going on?

8:27
Update.  Some random girl with cool kicks was deserted in the middle of no where.  She finds a gas station and waits there.  Meanwhile a threesome on the road to see the meteorite realizes they have no money.  They stop at the gas station and the driver (Asian fro) takes out knives and starts spinning them around.  Is he trying to rob the place?  The girl faints.  Greaser pulls up to the gas station with his rape whistle around his neck.  When he goes inside he hits fro boy with the door knocking some sense into him.  The three get back into the car and drive away making greaser the hero.

8:30
Zombies?  What the hell is this movie about?  Alien and Zombies?!  Are they going to battle. 

8:32
When the girl wakes up she sees Greaser standing over her.  Is this young love?  He sure is doing a lot of awkward laughing.  Just so you know, the Greaser's name is Ace. 

8:34
Jeez Ace are you really going to leave the girl - Tobio - all alone so you can see some show?  Why don't you take her along?  Do you not notice someone (or something) hiding in the bushes staring at you and growling.

8:35
So there are two random guys in a car and that is who the zombies are attacking.  I realize I didn't say anything about the zombies, just that they were there. 

8:37
Ace comes across an abandon van and decides to investigate.  When he gets closer he sees that zombies are attacking/eating the people that were in the van.  He hops back on his back and is about to drive off when he remembers that Tobio is all alone.  He sees Guitar Wolf (I think it was a vision) and Guitar Wolf tells him to be all Rock N Roll!! and get the girl.  Are the zombies aliens? 

8:39
Dude.  If a girl says she is going to go pee, then let her go pee.  Stop being a weirdo.  While the couple is away (trying to pee) they hear screaming.  They go back to their fro friend only to find him missing.  Except for the blood on the doorway that is. 

8:42
How do zombies sneak up on people?  Doesn't rigor mortis set it and make it really difficult to move.  You would think you'd be able to hear them coming from a mile away. 

8:43
Why are these zombie blue?  Are we sure they aren't aliens because that would be pretty ballin'.

8:45
Ace saves Tobio just in time and manages to find a fenced property for them to hid out in.  They chain up the fence so the zombies can't get it, even though that fence seems to be a least a foot or two off the ground.  Dumb zombies.  I guess they aren't hungry enough to figure out gaps.

8:48
Wait.  Is the short short guy the same random guy that was fighting off zombies?  Perhaps.  I couldn't recognize him without his shorts.  But I think it was.  Also they keep cutting to this random army chick (at least that's what I'm going to call her since she seems to drive an Army vehicle).  Anyways short shorts found out where that rock n roll band is playing and wearing even shorter shorts decides to get his revenge... well that is what I assume he is going to do.

8:51
Pretty awesome microphones.  They shoot fire out the end!

8:55
I guess those zombies figured out how to get through the gaps because things are looking pretty bleak for Ace and Tobio, except for the fact they just shared a kiss.  SMOOCH smooch puppy love.  Too bad they are about to die.  Ace stop talking about God and try blowing you're rape whistle.

8:58
So Tobio just got naked and stood in front of Ace.  To which Ace ran away screaming.  Is Tobio the alien!?!?  Where are the aliens!?!  Nope not an Alien.  Just a man.  Lame.  Guitar Wolf appears to him again and tells him to go for it.  Love has no borders.  Thank you Guitar Wolf.  Except it may be too late.  Tobio screams and when Ace opens the door zombies are everywhere.

9:00
Ace finally remembers his rape whistle and blows it.  The band decides to go and help their blood brother Ace.

9:01
FINALLY!  Tobio, who is still alive just outside, sees a UFO.  There are aliens.  I'm not crazy.  And Ace decides to man up and fight his out.

9:03
"Are you human?"  Legit question to ask during zombie Apocalypse and possible alien invasion.  The annoying couple from earlier runs into the band and gets a ride from them.

9:05
Shorty shorts arrives at the concert only to find the band has left.  He is pretty upset.  He doesn't put on his short shorts for nothing.  Someone has to see his sexy legs dammit!

9:08
The band with the annoying couple end up at the gas station from earlier. Army girl comes driving and honking up to the gas station bringing hordes of zombies with her.  The band sits and watches for awhile before deciding to kill all the zombies with their magical guitar pics. 

9:15
So these zombies can apparently talk.  Army chick took them back to her place and while they try to figure out what to do next there is a knock at the door.  A man says his name is Kondo.  When they open the door, Kondo Zombie bits into half of the annoying couple (the man).  Meanwhile short shorts is still on the manhunt, Ace is covered in blood and fighting zombies, and Tobio is moping about. 

9:19
Apparently there are gold balls inside the zombies.  This makes army chick extremely happy.  Let's go kill some zombies!

9:22
Oblivious to zombies, short shorts pulls over and asks for directions.  He's in luck that these zombies can talk though because he tells them where they are.  He may or may not have gotten bitten in the process.  It was hard to tell if he pulled away in time. 

9:24
Man, it's hard to be afraid of zombies when your in a cool rock n roll band like we are.  That's what I imagine is going through their head right now. 

9:26
This Ace is in Beast mode.  He has been fighting off zombies for almost for a good thirty minutes.  When one of them pulls off his rape whistles it calls out to Guitar Wolf.  They now know where he is and can help it out.  Hahahaha. He just shot and blew up a car without even looking.  Hope that car wasn't your drummer and bass player.  Then you're shit out of luck. 

9:29
With help from a zombie shield, short shorts starts shooting up the building Guitar Wolf is hiding in.  But G.W just jumps out of the building and with a few strums of his guitar manages to land safely on two feet.  They fight each other fist to fist and somewhere along the line Short Short gets electrocuted?  Which seems to just fuel him into have eyes that can shoot lasers?  What?

9:36
Noooooo!!! He uses his laser beams to blow up the UFOs.  >:(  I wanted my mix of aliens and zombies!! Wait a go, dick.  Whatever, they manage to blow up short shorts so I guess that is a good thing.

9:38
Why don't you stop shouting and get off your ass to look for her.  Whatever, Tobio finally heard him and came outside of the gas station.  He finally gets off his ass and runs toward her.  Meanwhile the annoying couple have found each other again.  As zombies.  ZOMBIE LOVE!!  Hopefully they won't bicker as much now.

9:40
Alien mother ship?

9:42
So the aliens were creating the zombies.  I guess that's ok.  Guitar Wolf destroyed the mother ship and now all the zombies are dropping dead.

9:43
ROCK N ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ_D9OjDoQ0

 

7. Tokyo Gore Police

6:07
Holy shit!  Was not expecting that.  It's this happy song with a little girl talking about how great her dad is because he's a cop and everything is fine and dandy.  BUT THEN HIS HEAD EXPLODES.  BAM!

6:09
Now the police are at a stake out.  Some criminal locked himself in an abandon building and is chowing down on a victim.  Meanwhile some girl is cutting her wrists repeatedly as the criminal goes crazy with a dancing chainsaw (Leatherface style) as the police enter the building.  Too much is going on right now I can't type and watch.

6:11
Pow pow pow.  End of Leatherace.  The cops literally shot off his arm but thought he might survive so they continued to shoot for a good 15 seconds after the fact.  They should of kept shooting longer because he just shoved his chainsaw into his bloody stump and then attacks the cops, cutting off heads.  Until the girl (maybe the wrist cutter) comes out of no where like some super hero and battles Leatherface. 

6:13
So much blood!  I'm pretty sure your body does not have that much blood in it.  Also how does she have no blood on her clothes?  It's literally a waterfall of bloodshed and she is perfectly clean. 

6:16
She ends up taking the body to some hunchbacked metal eye patch guy.  I have no idea why.  Apparently its to prove weather the killer is an "engineer" or not.  Engineers are killers that have a tumor that makes them ruthless animal like killers who can turn their injuries into weapons (hence the chainsaw hand) and the only way to kill them is to hack them apart. 

6:18
Turns out this superhero lady is part of the privatized police force. 

6:20
The bartender just wasted all her groceries in a flashback to shoo off some punk kids from annoying/hurting our leading lady.  WHY WOULD SHE WASTE FOOD LIKE THAT?!  They were in an alley you would think she would be able to find garbage or something else to throw at them.

6:23
I hope that's not some strange sex slave.  It's starting to freak me out.  A man in full armor is taking his "dog" for a walk in a hallway with no lights on (in a police force?) and his pet is some sort of person (maybe an engineer) with no limps that is crawling along.  Turns out that this armored man is just there to surprise her for her birthday!  All the other cops come out and join the celebration but she doesn't seem to happy (she remains quite emotionless).

6:25
Maybe she hates her birthday because her mother went crazy on her birthday when she was a child and sliced up her arm (the moms arm not the child).

6:26
What is this now.  Some sort of brothel.  Why does it seem in all these movies that the whores dress as school girls.  Is this a thing? 

6:29
Me thinks there is some new killer out there attacking prostitutes.

6:32
What's in the box?!?!  Not Gweneth but close enough.  It's the madam from earlier.

6:33
Guess the leading lady while have to disguise herself as a prostitute to try and hunt down this engineer.  Also what's with all the suicide adds?  Did they make it to America.  Does anyone else remember when wrist cutting was the cool thing to do?

6:35
MTA - Mothafu*kas Touching my Ass

6:36
She cuts off his hands for molestation.  At least this time she an umbrella with her to protect herself from the fountain of blood erupting from his new bloody stumps.

6:40
So I think she just came face to face with the man/engineer  that killed her farther.  She is kind of shocked or possibly drugged though and can't seem to walk straight anymore (all that orange juice made her drunk).  But she does find another box with another body in it.

6:43
It's kind of funny that neither of these people even thinks about carrying a gun.  Nope just swords, daggers, and other weapons but no guns.  Ooo.  She just nicked him.  But then goes at starts pulling at it making it worse and shooting blood everywhere.  She can't avoid it this time.  FINALLY.  She is covered in blood.  and he is missing the skin from the top of his head.  He shoved 2 pipes into his brain and is using it like a gun to shoot bits of brain(?) at her.  It pins her to the wall.  Does anyone else see how ridiculous this movie is?

6:47
Wait?  Has she been an engineer this whole time or is that how you infect someone with the tumor?  He used it like a key to open her cut up (but now healed) arm and then put it inside.  But he said he wanted her to remember.  What?  Did I miss something.

6:52
Nice cell phone.  What is this the 90's?

6:56
She is now looking for a Haruka who seems to have gotten a really bad boob job.  Like the type of boob job where they cut off your nips, fill em up, and then staple them shut.  Interesting.  Also these cops remind me of Shredder, just so you have a visual.

6:58
Holy Crap.  Some crazy man decides to shoot up little kids and for some reason they are blurring it.  Must be another suicide add.  Wait no, an add for the police.  Ha the add ends with the kids kicking out the crazy's head like a soccer ball.  What am I watching?

7:00
Bad boob job girl who we will call 69 because that seems to be tattooed on her ass, works at some strange nightclub where all the girls are disfigured.  Well, I'm happy she found work after that surgery and didn't let it go to waste.  Also she is one of the better looking disfigured girls because at least she doesn't have some eyeball in her mouth or Pinocchio nose.

7:02
Is that flesh chair breathing?  It also seems to be peeing into a vampire's mouth.  This is the strangest club I've ever seen for sure.

7:05
Oh oh.  69 seems to be working with braniac.  Too bad the cop didn't know this before she was giving him a bj.  She bit down a little too hard and it seems there was a lot of blood rushing to his umm... little head.  MORE BLOOD.  Braniac then drills into him (with an actual drill you perverts).  The cop remembers that he has a gun (what a dummy) and tries to shoot Braniac but instead shoots 69 in half, which probably makes him feeling better about losing his manhood.

7:07
Too bad she seems to be an engineer to.  She took an alligator head off the wall and connected it to her upper half and then went to kill the cop "you like being chewed on right?"  Well at least she tried.  He ended up killing her by grabbing his hand (that got chewed off) and putting the gun right into her alligator head.  He was then able to pull the trigger by grabbing at a tendon and pulling that.  Bye bye 69.  However Braniac came and put a tumor (IT'S NOT A TUMOR) in him.

7:11
Man, the Japanese must really love making dicks into weapons.  This cop engineer seems to have found a replacement for his bitten off penis.  But don't ask me what it is.  I just know he is killing all the cops with it.  I think it's a gun.  It's definitely firing off something and they're not blanks.

7:13
How come he got infected and went crazy and killed a bunch of people and grew a giant killing dick but she got infected and is perfectly fine.  Does it not work the same on women?

7:18
She found Braniac and he tells her how he came about.  Turns out it was Braniac's father that shot her father so that he could pay for Braniac to go to school to study genetic engineering and then go later to take the genetic make ups of Ed Gein, Charles Manson, and others to create the tumor that makes engineers.   He injected himself with it first and then jumped off a building.  When he awoke he found himself at the devil's doorstep and the devil gave him the key to infect others.  He wants to team up with her now and kill the man that paid his father to kill her father.  Who happens to be the chief of police and the man that gave her a cake on her birthday. 

7:24
Instead she splits him in half.  Guess that plan backfired on him.  The police are in a panic after mighty dick killed half of them.  They are rounding up everyone on the street and killing them whether or not they are engineers.  It's up to one bad ass (possibly infected herself) girl to save them all.  Also never trust a Shredder look a like.

7:28
There is so much random crazy killing going on I don't even have time to comment. 

7:29
The chief's sex slave/toy seems to chowing down on him.  Bartender girl just cut off a guys face with a broken bottle.  69 seems to be some sort of fem bot that sprays out acid milk.  More police come and are about to rip apart bartender limb by limb by tying her up to four different cars.  Meanwhile our hero returns to find all the destruction around her. 

7:35
When hero girl sees her friend get ripped apart by the dump cops the tumor seems to finally ignite and she goes crazy on everyone.  Also for some random reason there is a conehead.  A black conehead.  Hmmm.  Not sure what to think about that.

7:39
What's the point of a rocket launcher that shoots fists?  I would rather have a bazooka any day.  Especially since she is able to deflect them with her animal hand tendon thinger that just fires the fists back at the hunchback guy. 

7:42
I guess the chief wasn't being eating earlier.  That must have been some other cop.  Everything was happening so fast.  Anyways time for them to fight.  Except she has to get past his little pet first.  But attached to the stumps are now swords.  Interesting.  Asians are into some pretty messed up stuff. 

7:45
I feel bad for the pet actress.  She is forced to wear this weird gimp gas mask thing the hole movie.  Can you imagine calling your mom and being like i got a part in a movie!  and then it comes out and you are some weird creature and you don't even see you're face.  Awkward

7:46
Hero girl can somehow control the evil tumor inside her as long as she remembers that she is a police officer and she protects the people.  Why can no one else control it?

7:49
I looked away for a second but I'm pretty sure this chief guy is using his blood spurts as a projector to fly around the room. 

7:50
And salute with your animal hand.  The hero girl will now patrol the streets with her sexy slave pet sidekick, who now has machines attached to her stubs.  If I've learned anything from this movie, it's that we shouldn't privatize police forces.  That and you can't seem to kill serial killers.  Because Braniac was put back together by 69 and out gallivanting the streets. 

7:53
"MORE GORE COMING SOON"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFKP9lB_F7s

6. Tetsuo, the Iron Man

5:00
I don't know why, but I love black and white film.  Also really liking this soundtrack. 

5:02
Yucko.  Just stabbed himself in the leg and started cutting up so he could put in iron rod in it.  Gross.  And I think that might kill you.  I kind of have the feeling this is going to turn into a David Lynch-ish movie. 

5:06
I have no idea what is going on but I am loving this movie.  Crazy dancing?  Spitting water.  Smoke.  Fog.  LOVE IT.  I literally have no clue what is going on though.  Is that metal rod expanding throughout his body because while shaving he has metal poking out his cheek. 

5:07
Maybe that wasn't metal but a very strange zit, because I think he just popped it.  Gross.

5:09
Jesus this man sweats a lot.  He must stink really bad too. 

5:10
Is that suppose to be a robot fetus or something?  There was this metal nest looking this with a very small man inside.  When the woman poked it with a pencil, it somehow infected her and now she is half machine?  And she is out to kill zit man.  At least I think she is going to kill him. 

5:13
Man her robot arm is itchy.  She is always scratching at it like crazy. 

5:13
Yes, your little pocket knife while protect you from her robot arm.  She robots him in the chest and he somehow is transported to a auto repair shop.  But she has followed him there too.  Dance fight?  Can we please have a robot dance fight? 

5:15
He realizes that he too is half machine or whatever he is and ended up squeezing her to death.  SNEAK HUG!

5:17
Hmm.. There is a giant moving lump on his arm.  Might want to go to a doctor for that one buddy.  His feet are also like rocket skates.  That would be kind of cool. 

5:18
Seriously though.  What is this movie.  Some random girl is dancing around in her underwear with a giant hose attached to it. 

5:19
Hahahaha.  She was literally riding him like a horse before she violated him up the butt with her hose.  Robot butthole? 

5:21
It's nothing?  I'm pretty sure half of your face is being taking over by machine parts. 

5:23
There is some pretty seductive eating going on right now.  As they are covered in sweat once again.  If anyone ever feed me like I would be really creeped out. 

5:25
Hahahaha.  Metal boner.  It was so intense that he sawed apart his table with it.  What am I watching?

5:27
I'M A MONSTER!!!  He tries to hid his appearance from his lady friend but she makes him show her.  When she sees him she freaks out and he tries to attack her with his robot penis. 

5:30
"You want a taste of my sewer pipe?"  The only way she gets him to stop is to stab him in the neck.  Then she decides she does want a taste I guess because his 'drill' ends up killing her. 

5:34
I really have no idea what is going on.

5:38
I think he is trying to turn his dead girlfriend into a robot too.  But really I have no clue.  Maybe that's how robots say goodbye to loved ones. 

5:41
So apparently he became a robot because he hit a man with his car and they took him in the woods to hid his body and he decided to get revenge by turning this guy into a machine man. 

5:44
Everything is turning into metal monsters!!  I really am not sure what to even call these things. 

5:46
Now his dead lover just morphed into the weird monster man that has been out to kill him for the whole movie by infecting others with machinery. 

5:48
I feel like I should be on drugs while watching this movie. 

5:50
I don't even know how to describe what is going but there is a pretty cool chase scene. 

5:52
And now there is some rando that is beating him up.  Why?  No idea.

6:00
Killing once again with his dick.  This time its the guy that he hit with his car who has been trying to kill him the whole movie.  I think he's really getting on drilling this guy.  Honestly I am having trouble telling who's who and what's what at this point in the movie. 

6:02
Gay kiss? Nope.  Nothing.  Just a rebirth thing going on.  Whatever they are joined together and they are going to take over the whole world with their "rust". 

6:05
Did i just see a roll out?  In the middle of a scene?   Well.  That was interesting.  Like a train wreck I just couldn't look away. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uROMTzJsfOI

5. Last Life in the Universe

1:39
Hooray a short movie for once!! 

1:41
HOW DO I GET SUBTITLES?!  BRB

1:45
Okay.  Problem solved.  Jeesh technology.  Anyway.  Any movie that starts with a hanging, I'm probably going to like.  So I have high hopes for this movie. 

1:47
What horrible timing.  This guy just wants to hang himself and someone keeps ringing the buzzing.  Very annoying but my guinea pig seems to enjoy the noise.  Who is this annoying house guest anyway?  He certainly made himself at home and doesn't seem to give a shit about the noose in the room.

1:52
Since his first attempt was a fail (or a success depends on how you look at it) he is trying to kill himself again.  This time by suffocating himself with a pillow.  But once again his timing is terrible and his alarm goes off jarring him out of his attempt.

 1:54
Boner alert!  Just kidding.  While at work or at the library I'm not sure if he works there or not.  He spies a pretty lady through a bookshelf.  But before he can say anything to her she disappears.  Did she check the books out?! 

1:55
Is this a themed nightclub or a party?  All the girls are wearing school girl outfits and bunny ears.  That seems like a very specific fetish.

1:56
"If you f*cked my daughter I would cut your dick off and shove it in your mouth" this was said to the house guest from hell as he tries to hit on/get with one of the school bunnies.  Cock blocked! 

1:58
Boys are so dumb.  Suicide man's coworker or boss is totally into him and he doesn't even notice it.  She asked him over for dinner but he refused because he doesn't like fish (she was making sushi).  So dumb. 

1:59
Wow.  This car they are driving in is soooo realistic.  Then again acting and driving is hard. 

2:02
Bitch!  Get out the car.  You're holding up traffic.  Also thank you library for giving the depressed suicidal man a book to make him even more depressed. 

2:05
Attempt #3.  He is crouching over a bridge.  What's going to stop him this time?  Maybe the pretty lady he spotted earlier.  SHE DID!  Unfortunately she was standing in the middle of the street when their eyes meet and she was unable to see the car coming at her. 

2:06
The annoying house guest is his brother.  Back again and this time he brought a friend.  I'm pretty sure it was the cock blocker from earlier. 

2:08
I should decorate like I'm in Asia.  Everything is much closer to the ground.  Although I would probably trip a lot more.  Attempt #4  Loaded gun to his head.  This time he hears shrieking.  He goes to his living room and sees his brother (maybe with his dick cut off) screaming as the cock blocker shoots him.  He then turns the gun to suicidal man who you would think would be happy about it.  But he shies away.  Right before the man is about to shoot him the lights go out and suicidal man gets the gun and kills the blocker.  This guy just can't catch a break it seems. 

2:12
Pretty lady (not the one hit by the car) came to return a bag that got mixed up at the crime scene.  Boss lady is jealous that he is giving her attention.  They stand in silence as they wait for the elevator and the amount of sexual tension between them is pretty intense... psyche. 

2:16
They decide to get dinner and have a very stimulating conversation the whole time.  Also I think suicidal might be OCD.  He asked to go to her home and she agrees.  When he gets there he sees how dirty the place is and is constantly cleaning his glasses. 

2:22
Left alone in a strangers house with OCD what does one do?  CLEAN!  Attempt #5.  When he is about to wash the dishes he sees a knife and puts it to his wrist.  Saved by another woman telling him not to wash the dishes.  He asks if he can stay at her place for the day and for some reason she lets him.  People there are way to trusting.  Or she is hoping he will clean her house.

2:31
When the girl catches him wandering around the house she finally decides to throw him out.  But he doesn't seem to be leaving.  What a strange man. 

2:36
Not sure if this counts as an attempt but he laid down under her car possibly in hopes that she would run over him.  She came out to apologize to him though and thank him for cleaning up the place.  Well at least doing some dishes the place is still a dump.

2:38
OH MY GOD their food looks so good I just want to eat it all. 

2:47
I don't know what kind of drugs she is on but for some reason her house is cleaning itself.  BEST HAUNTED HOUSE EVER!

2:52
Beat he didn't think when she suggested they go out to get away from the non stop ringing of the phone (ex-boyfriend?) that they would end up dancing the night away.  Dance Dance Revolution that is. 

2:58
Did he just jizz in his pants? 

3:00
Crazy ex boyfriend who has been stalker her breaks into her house and starts beating her but good ole suicidal comes to her rescue.  And after one punch (while wearing just a towel) the ex leaves.  Really?  Just one punch? 

3:06
She decides instead of bathing she is just going to walk around in her underwear.  Suicidal is all like don't get a boner don't get a boner don't get a boner!  Ha ha.  But nothing happens. 

3:14
Wow racist much?  A guy is checking in and when asked why he only has one bag he responds with I'm only going there to kill someone then coming right back.  The woman checking him in then makes a comment about how she doesn't hope he is hijacking the plane (can't that comment get someone arrested or searched?) to which he responded with "Do I look like an Arab to you?"

3:16
Suicidal returns to his apartment.  I bet he is really regretting not moving those dead bodies because he winces at the smell. 

3:19
The crazy ex has found out where suicidal lives and went into his apartment with a gun.  He notices the god awful smell and finds the dead bodies.  Meanwhile suicidal has a case of the runs and is unable to get off the toilet.  Some mafia looking men also seem to be after him (the racist from the airport).  Instead they find the ex and think that is the man they are suppose to kill.  There is a gun fight going on but suicide is really preoccupied being on the toilet to see what is going on. 

3:21
Don't flush the toilet you dummy!  Luckily he is able to sneak out the window before they get to the bathroom.  But the police caught him and now he is in custody. The end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qObuMyu3NHQ

4. The Taste of Tea

God dammit, Capo.  Why you giving all these movies that are over 2 hours. 

1:23
Please be running and not having sex.  Yes!  He is running. 

1:24
After he missed his train, a train came out of his head.  I guess you could say he lost his train of thought.  Ahhhh.  Puns.  Anyways on the train was his crush, who he never had the courage to talk to.  Guess she moved away.  Womp womp.

1:27
Awesome old man keeps poking his head out the window to look at a little girl.  When she turns to look at him he slams the window shut.  Okay, maybe it's a creepy old man but either way I like his style.

1:28
I have a feeling this is going to be another movie that I don't understand and it's too early for me to start drinking. 

1:30
Teach me how to Dougie!

1:34
Nothing like hearing stories from your stoned Uncle.  At least he seems high to me.  He is talking about a haunted forest and how he ended up having to take a poop in it.  For the love of god child age uncle, take a poop already. 

1:36
Problem solved.  He found a giant egg half buried and decided that is the perfect spot.  Afterwards he talks about running into a man, who may or may not have been a ghost and apparently this ghost man has been following him around ever since.  Maybe that giant egg was wear he died and he is pissed the child took a shit on it. 

1:38
Haha.  He just revealed the ghost man had shit on his head.  Guess I was right. 

1:39
The little girl hears that the ghost stopped haunting him once he was able to do a back flip off the horizontal bar.  She would try to do the same to get rid of her demon except that the ghost following her is a giant head of herself.  Not some stranger.

1:40
A group of cops came about the shit in the woods.  The dig it up and it turns out he didn't take a shit on the giant egg but rather a human skull. 

1:42
Ooo.  The boy chasing the train got a love note.  How cute.  Turns out it was a prank note left by some boys in the class.  It didn't work though because he just rode right by where he was suppose to meet his admirer. 

1:47
Apparently the boy has a fear of women because of a few awkward incidents he has had in his life.  The first is listening to his parents (at least I think they're his parents) talk about getting a boob job right in front of him.  The other incident was overhearing a conversation about how a guy's girlfriend is crazy and beats him up all the time, even breaking his ribs. 

1:53
Well he better get over his fear of ladies because there is a new girl at school and he seems to be quite smitten.  And for some reason she reminds me of Emma Stone. 

2:02
EXTREME SWEEPING!  Or maybe he is just trying to scare away the motorcycles on the field. 

2:07
This boy is super excited!  He overheard his crush saying that she was going to join the Go club.  I'm guessing this is the club that he is already in. 

2:09
He's not in this club?  Why is he all excited then?  Instead of joining the club he made up an excuse to take his bike to the shop so that he could watch her from a distance while she plays Go. 

2:13
Photo shoot! Photo shoot!  Photo shoot in train!

2:17
I'm not really sure what this design type studio thing has to do with the rest of the movie.  But after the boss tells the husband of one of his employees that she is having an affair, the girl worker starts to beat him up.  Pretty severely too.  I'm not sure how they are going to explain this one to HR.  That is if he survives it.  There's a lot of face stomping going on. 

2:23
Uncle made the trip into town to see the girl he likes.  It seems like they use to date but she is married now.  Awkward. 

2:29
Is it weird that this movie just really makes me want to eat Sushi? 

2:34
Well, now I get how the design place fits in.  The boss man keeps calling the uncle to get him to record a CD for him.  Probably of himself singing songs he wrote. 

2:43
Nothing like a family hypnosis show.  A family that goes under mind control together, stays together. 

2:49
While the boy is at the library he gets recruited to join the Go team.  Finally he has an opportunity to talk to the girl he likes instead of creepily watching from the bushes outside. 

2:52
While the little girl is out practicing her back flips, she hears the moans and groans from a man who is buried up to his head in the ground.  How did he get in the ground?  There is no dirt around him which leads me to think he's been there for awhile.  Maybe its another ghost she has to deal with now. 

2:54
Man, this Go club is just a rager.  They are all having so much fun they can hardly contain themselves.  Also this is sarcasm. 

3:01
So the boss and relative of the Uncle finally got his way into a recording studio to make his CD and for some reason they decided to wear matching outfits and choreograph the songs.  Don't they realize that when you're recording it doesn't matter what you look like.  What a bunch of weirdos.  The uncle looks miserable mixing this.  And I would be too if I were him. 

3:03
"They're like perverted aliens from some unknown planet"

3:10
Oh young love.  Playing Go in silence.  He manned up and told her how he dreamt of playing with her and it worked!  She said they should play together every day.  How cute. 

3:24
:( the girl looked at her grandpa's window.  It was open and no one was staring at her.  After further inspection she sees his dead body on the ground.  I liked the old man. 

3:36
The little girl finally does a back flip and her reward is to be swallowed up by a giant sunflower that slowly takes over the world.  Trippy.    But at least she seems to be free from her giant self that was always hovering over her shoulder. 

3:41
And roll credits.  I think this might be my favorite of the bunch so far. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NcBL6cYGL4

3. Gozu

8:44
With this found footage opening I am really hoping this is a horror film.  Sadly I don't think it is.  Just people watching a shitty TV while they wait for the "Boss" to show up.  Asian Mafia??

8:47
Why are you going to believe that that is a Yakuza attack dog?  He just told you everything he said was going to be a joke.  Someone suffers from short term memory loss I guess.

8:48
NOOOOO.  He just killed that cute little dog by throwing it on the ground and then grabbing it by the leash and twirling it around his head.  What a dick.  I hope I'm not suppose to like this guy.

8:52
Plot update.  I think Gozu is the main character dick dog killer.  Anyway they are on their way to some meeting or mission him and afraid to pee man.  On the way Gozu sneaks up on scaredy pisser and asks him about the crew.  Gozu thinks they are falling apart and that the boss man needs to stop thinking with his dick.  Then they continue on their way.  Until he realizes they are being followed that is.

8:54
Oh no.  It's a Yakuza car designed to kill Yakuza.  Better go all crazy and throw the car around to make sure it's dead.  This guy sure is paranoid.

8:55
Watch out camera crew.  You're reflection made it in the shot.  Gozu is about to kill the woman driver (typical woman driver) of the car but afraid to piss now being renamed to Matrix man stopped him in time.

8:58
How do you not see a river in front of you?  Anyway while Matrix is driving he looks away for one second and almost drives his car straight into a river/lake/body of water.  Instead he slams on the breaks and the already unconscious Gozu man hits his head and dies.  Good thing he is at a dump/river.  He can just get rid of the body.  Also, I guess that guy wasn't Gozu.  O well.  Can this just turn into a Weekend at Bernies?  They already have the sunglasses.

9:02
These subtitles really love their z's.  I approve.  Waz wrong with zome z's?

9:03
Matrix sits down at a diner to get some coffee and gets three waiters.  It takes three waiters to get some coffee?  Also we get that it was hot.  You can stop talking now.

9:06
Something isn't sitting right with Matrix and while he goes to puke someone steals BERNIE!  Noooo!! That or Bernie was really just sleeping and finally woke up.

9:08
Hmmm.  This boss guy is with one of his lady friends having some adult fun with a ladle up his butt.  While in the cafe Matrix sees Buddha man getting off behind the counter.  I guess it's just that time of the day.

9:10
Man this Matrix guy is dumb.  He is trying to meet up with his crew but the address he has is wrong.  So where does he go to find the Asian Mafia?  He asks the police.  Not weird at all right?

9:13
This movie is odd.  After blowing out his tire, Matrix stumbles upon a man sitting alone in a field reading a magazine.  Oh yeah, half of his face is painted white.  Apparently he was born that way.  Not enough pigment.

9:17
They go to a junkyard to find a tire and while there he finds the crew he was looking for.  He meets an old man who will help him if he answers a riddle in 30 seconds.  Paint man decides to count down.  No pressure or anything.

9:22
Paint man agrees to help him but at his pace.  They decide or rather paint man decides to get a room and insists on holding his hand while getting that room.  Does someone have a man crush?  Matrix doesn't approve and rips his hand away.  Good thing Giant Asian Norman Bates is there to show him to his room.

9:28
I feel like everyone is digging on this Matrix guy.  Old Lady matron just barged in while he was washing and insists on getting his backside.  No means No lady.  She then shows off her hidden talent of still being able to lactate.  Another gem that the roommates are missing out on.  But the did get to see evil robocop battle Paul Rudd.

9:33
I think I know why everyone is into Matrix.  HE'S CIRCUMCISED!  "You're wiener looks just like Frankenstein"

9:35
Someone seems to be milking too much because it's dripping from the ceiling.  DON'T DRINK THE MILK!

9:44
Matrix found out that Bates man is a medium.  Perhaps that is the reason he keeps getting more than one serving from him.  That or they want to fatten him up Hansel and Gretel style.  He decides to try and use his talents to find out what happened to Bernie's body.

9:48
Apparently you summon spirits by whipping the shit out of your brother.  And why is there a baby crying?  I haven't seen a baby this whole movie.

9:52
Apparently Buddha man has been dead for three years but is still serving coffee.  When paint man tells Matrix also named Minami a door opens to show Buddha taking a dump.  I'm not sure what was more disturbing.  Finding out he's dead or seeing him squatting over the toilet hole.

9:57
After following some clues about where the body might have wandered off to, he finds that the clues lead him back to the hotel he is staying at.  When he tries to question the owner, she is too busy milking herself to answer right away.  How does she even have that much milk in her?

10:07
Minami decides to sleep in the same room that Brother - Bernie was in the other night.  During the night he gets spooked and thinks he hears something so he goes to investigate to find nothing.  But when he returns he finds a man in his tightie whities with a cow head leaking milk all over the place.  YUCK.  Cow are so gross.  Please stop licking his face.  I am getting nauseous.  Apparently so is he because he faints.

10:11
When he awakes he has a note that he thinks is from Brother that says to meet him at the dump.  Turns out he was there but once again pulled a disappearing act.   t

10:14
Well when they say disappear I guess they mean that they skinned him, made a flesh suit, and dumped all his innards in a tank.  And now his spirit has been reincarnated into a woman sitting in the back of Minami's car.  She proves it by talking about his circumcised penis again.

10:22
He's totally going to F*ck his brother... who's now a girl.

10:25
Is her vagina talking?

10:33
He takes her to meet the boss man and the boss really likes her.  So he takes her back to his place and ladle in hand prepares to make the sex with her.

10:35
"I almost blasted off without you"

10:37
Minami won't let this happen to he interrupts their "date" by dangling outside the window.  He gets in a fight with him and Boss losses his balance and falls onto his butt.  Which still has the ladle.  And I think he punctured something because he seems to be dead.  But just to make sure, Minami electrocutes him.  Better safe than sorry.

10:40
Can you just bang your brother so we can get this movie over with?

10:44
Success? Except for the whole Chinese finger trap thing if ya catch my drift.

10:47
Ummm... Why is there a hand coming out of her vagina?  Someone should make an appointment with their lady doctor and get that checked out.

10:49
Huh.  The real brother I think is being reborn.  Literally.  Man Minami is going to need some serious psychological help after this.

10:51
The man laughing at the end was probably the best part of the movie.  In my opinion anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPiVCpa-U7E

2. Gen-X Cops 2: Metal Mayhem

7:57
PAUL RUDD!!!???!?!  Paul Rudd is in this movie?  With the extremely cheap looking title intro with the bad techno 80's!?!  I'm so excited

7:58
BLONDE!!! BLONDE PAUL RUDD!! This just keeps getting better. 

8:00
Is this an asian terminator?  My roommates say it's an Asian evil Robocop but I've never seen that so I will have to take their word.  So far in the movie it is just a bunch of scientists testing out this killer robot as it plays with its weapon toys.

8:03
Don't come between a robot and his tofu.  He is now attacking all the scientists.  Get out while you can Paul Rudd!!  Also the robot might have been hacked to attack people.  Also why does this film seem like a poorly dubbed kung fu movie when it is in English?  Dammit Jackie Chan!

8:06
Are they speaking Asian?  Anyway two guys are driving a Ferrari on a bridge that is lasting forever.  HOW LONG IS THAT BRIDGE!?!?

8:09
Leave it to the Rastafarian to have a GIANT joint.  White people aren't the only ones that stereotype.
Those two Asian guys driving on the bridge just took a guy from the weed party as I am going to call it.  They meet the red pants Asian and he shot them.  But in the guns (and I don't mean arms) so they are okay.  Supposedly good ole red pants is undercover.  Also who shot this and why can't they focus?!?

8:14
CAPO! It's skipping!! Don't have a question about this part I am missing por favor.

 8:17
When the shades go on, Asians mean business.  They already beat at least 2 cage fighters and once they trapped the others the cop showed up.  Good thing these guys are cops also.  In a secret Asian unit maybe? 

8:19
Inspector Wok wake up!!  Also tell the DP to focus!!  D1010 is like an Asian protoype of a less cool R2D2.  You can hate for saying that but I did.  Too bad that the robot takes too long to tell someone how to disable a bomb.  Dumb robot.

8:22
Another fun fact.  This faux hawk Asian cop reminds me of Matthew Lillard.  Love it!  ooo They are the Hong Kong police.  Man I'm dumb.  Also why do the police have a cheerleader.  The police are there to welcome Paul Rudd and the American gang. 

8:25
NERDS!! They are showing off all the new weapon equipment.  Too much exposition if you ask me.  Let's get onto the fighting.  There robots look so much like people (not at all) that they have to keep informing the audience which one is human and which is robot.

8:28
Paul Rudd is real dick that hates Hong Kong technology.  Which I don't really understand.  Doesn't he realize that everything is made in China?  Anyways after complaining about the facilities, he treats the cops like a joke and orders them to get coffee.  Typical American.

8:33
I feel like red pants (now white pants-- let's call him Big Read) is going to break into song.  Instead he is just having a paint ball fight because obviously you wear a white suit when playing paint ball. 

8:35
"Shit man what's with his hair" "You know what happened Kurt" "Yeah he killed himself"  WTF?! 

8:37
Awkward man hug just turned into date rape.  Minus the whole rape part.  So he basically just got drugged.  I'm talking about Big Red not his blonde tip friend Kurt.  And now he is tripping balls.  He goes to robocop and starts plugging in a cop that he sees when he is high.  I think I need to drink more. 

8:41
How does Robocop thank him for his newfound freedom?  He tries to blow Big Red up.  Anyways robocop is now on the loose. 

8:43
That robot just matrixed his way out of getting bombed!! Awesome.  Faux Hawk and Hippie hair just discovered robocop.  Ekkk what to do!?

8:45
Sorry Paul Rudd but you have no chance against Big Red and his Asian buddy cop friends.  Especially when you have KURT TO THE RESCUE!  Except he left behind buddy cops.  :(  Big Red managed to take his hostage with him though.  Ughh.  He isn't familiar with the term "Bros before Hoes.

8:48
Turns out the Robot was Kurt's design and after getting in a fight, Big Red and hostage girl jump out of the "speeding" mini van by jumping out the back.  Meanwhile buddy cops are in jail.  Big Red is starting to get his memory back, but I still want to know why he is fighting a giant lobster.

8:52
Much to Paul Rudd's dismay, buddy cops are released from jail.  They are then told if they don't find Big Red then they are going to be charged with his crimes.  This is happening while Big Red and Hostage Girl are starting their search for the "man sized lobster" (Fu*k a Giant Fish - Like a Boss). 

8:55
So when they say "man sized lobster" they actually mean a man who goes by the name of Lobster and dresses like a lobster and then goes and beats up guys who are dressed as normal guys.  Buddy cops catch up to him and try to convince him to come with them.  They are interrupted by Paul Rudd who doesn't have time for this bullshit and takes the law in his own hands.  He even yells the word "Freeze".  This isn't America, Paul, you can't make a citizens arrest.  Good thing the main suspect is getting away with his excellent swimming/butterfly abilities.  Really?  If you're going to swim away why do the butterfly.  What a weirdo.

8:59
Ball Shot! Literally.  During an udnerwater gun fight, I'm pretty sure someone got shot in the balls. 

9:00
Free Willy?!

9:01
"I shouldn't wear green it brings bad luck" takes off shirt, covers man boobs, and cries sadly.

9:03
Hostage, Jane, defends Big Red to Paul Red.  But Paul Red isn't ready for conspiracy theory bullshit.  There are a bunch of long drawn out burns by Paul Red, none of which are worth mentioning though.  Sorry Paul.

9:05
Apparently hippie hair loves taking pictures of Faux Hawk in his speedo and giving them to crazy facial expression girl.  Sorry I'm bad with character names.  Faux Hawk, Alien?, is forced to pretend to be interested in expression girl in order to get her to find Big Red for them.  But faking interesting in people makes him sick.  That or he has weird allergies.  Turns out once he gets to know her, he has been flirting with her online for awhile.  Now all of a sudden he likes her?! Stupid boy. 

9:09
Big Red found Kurt's liar filled with other evil henchmen.  I feel a third act battle coming on. 

9:10
"Give it up Kurt.  Dream times over"  I say the same thing to my brother all the time (he is also named Kurt). 

9:13
During the fight scenes all I can think is how did these guys become FBI agents?  They are about as serious as Corky Romano. 

9:14
Can these buddy cops just make out already.  The sexual tension is killing me.

9:17
AWESOME SPECIAL EFFECTS!! It was soooooooooooooo realistic I felt like I was there. 

9:24
Buddy cops decide to give Big Red, Edison, a second chance.  They put him in the same hypnosis thinger majiger and get the code out of him.  How they managed to do this inside the FBI without anyone noticing beats me.

9:27
Rat tail.  No shirt.  Just another case of Yellow Trash (oooo racism.  I'm sorry)

9:28
Someone please give Faux Hawk an Oscar.  His acting is superb.  

9:31
Paul Rudd how you get such big guns?  Also please tell me that he did all his own stunts.  That would be amazeballs. 

9:35
Runnnnn!  It's Godzilla!  Okay I lied it's just robocop.  But still!! RUNNN!

9:38
Robot aids.  The number one killer of Robots... including evil robocop. 

9:42
What to do when evil robot is about to blow up?  Try to arrest the robot.  Obviously.  Also it's skipping again.  Please do not put this on the quiz. 

9:48
Why did this movie NOT end in a freeze frame?!?!  It totally should have.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmgCnc81w6s

couldn't find a trailer so that will have to do 

1. Funky Forest: The First Contact

4:31
The movie starts with a very comical performance from the classically dressed Mole Brothers performing bits and routines to what appears to be troops.  And what troops wouldn't want to watch this duo dressed head to toe in white as they prance around the stage slapping each other.  What did I get myself into?

4:34
ROBOT FIGHT!! This just got real.

4:35
Psyche.  You weren't watching Mole Brothers perform for troops.  It was all a video being watched by some sort of space man inside a cartoonish spaceship.  Hmmm.  What is this movie?

4:37
Huh.  Not really sure what is going on still.  Now it's a little girl moving atom like particles with her mind.  She gets exhausted and stops.  Her robot friend feels bad and tries to help.  Bitch don't help me!  She shoots a laser at him with her mind before floating away back to Earth (or reality?) so she can finish her homework.

4:40
2 Adult men and one chubby white kid.  I can only assume that it's a gay couple that adopted.  At least I hope.  Together they make sweet sweet music... well music anyways.  It may not be that sweet.  I'm starting to think this movie may have no plot and just be a series of shorts.

4:42
Buzz kill.  They aren't lovers with an adopted child, but rather brothers.  Guitar Brothers if we want to be specific.

4:43
Yes!! They keep cutting back to robot fighting!!

4:44
Quick! Next story.  This one is about a woman who has two loves.  Jogging and trees.

4:46
Another story?  I can't handle all these characters.  But at least they are talking in English for this one so I can write more.  Boy is a teacher who is already bored with his life even though he has only taught for 2 years.  He is pursuing a girl that doesn't seem to interested in him.  Maybe because he keeps balancing his ginger ale on her head.  Just a thought.  They contemplate if they are dating for realz.  The girl says they are dating but not seriously because she doesn't love him yet (also its her English teacher?!  Inaprops) meanwhile the guy just thinks about his records.  And he wonders why she doesn't love him?  I blame his lovely singing voice and smooth game.  Can we just go back to Mole Brothers robot fighting?

4:54
Guitar Brothers again.  (I'm starting to feel like I'm watching a nonviolent Tarantino film).  We join the leader (?) of the brothers in his tiger room (literally a room filled with tigers) where he dances (?) to drive away the lady demons...  Is it 5 o'clock because I feel a beer would help me to understand this movie. 

4:57
After a minor freak out (maybe not so minor) the only thing that can calm this guitar brother is the sound a sword being drawn.  Don't worry Guitar Brothers, you'll find love some day. 

4:58
And now we meet the Vixens.  They meet a man, who's birthday was yesterday and sing him happy birthday.  They also give him money since he seems to be short a few dollars.  What a second.  Is this the eldest guitar brother?  One of the vixens is friend with the teacher from the other scene.  Is this movie starting to get a plot?  Nico (pretty sure the girl from before) tells them how the teacher saw a UFO and might have been abducted for awhile. 

5:05
One of the vixens is telling a very detailed story about a tree.  The other two are LOVING it.  Full of oos and aahs.  I wish my friends showed this much interest when I tell pointless stories. 

5:09
Nothing like a rousing game of ping pong with yourself to celebrate your belated birthday.  Luckily a vixen comes so he doesn't have to play with himself anymore.  This sounded way more dirty than it actually was.  I'm serious when it was just ping pong and nothing else.  But she did get asked to a "singles picnic" after the game. 

5:16
Not your typical pillow fight that's for sure.  They are throwing everything they got into smacking each other.  In fact, I think they might have broken furniture.  Now I don't want to ruin any one's fantasy.  But whenever I had a pillow fight with my friends, it was more like this.  Lots of bruising and name calling followed by I surrender.  Maybe that's why people don't like playing games with me.

5:20
Oh Jesus.  A dream sequence.  The teacher is telling that Niko vixen about his dream.  He is woken up my a car parked on the beach flashing its lights.  When he tries to run he falls because running in sand is hard.  Then a strange tiger demon man comes out of the car and dancing to the weird techno music coming out of the giant speaker.  This may just be my favorite part of the movie so far. 

5:22
BLONDE ASIAN!

5:24
Sirens start going off and he sees Niko (or maybe its Noki? Notti?) dressed in a leather outfit telling him he needs to dance.  Instead of him dancing, two little girls appear and decide to dance for him.  Anyone want to learn this dance with me?  The teacher awkwardly starts bopping to the beat in the background and tries to join their awesome dance routine.  They don't seem to impress with his skills though.  I guess that's what you get for dancing with adolescent girls you perv.

5:28
HAHAHAHA what am I watching?  There is some animated transformer girl with giant Madonna bra boobs.  They seem to be having a dance off with the she-man robot winning.  Afterwards she turns into a soccer ball and he kicks her away. 

5:31
He approaches Niko Noki Notti and demands that she show him her feelings.  Instead it turns into a game of copy cat and no feelings are revealed and she sips up her leather outfit over her head.  I would take that as a she's not into you sign but that's just me.  At least a group of yellow dancers (that's not racism, they are dressed head to toe in yellow) come out of the car and do another routine. 

5:37
He joins in on the dancing finally with success and the Niko Noki Notti girl finally lets her guard down and hugs him.  But still demands to see more dancing, this time with an emotionless cartoon head.  Is this suppose to be a sexy dance?  I can't tell.  And apparently she can't either because she starts laughing at him.  And that's when he wakes up. 

5:41
It's revealed that this Noki Niko Notti girl is the same running girl that loves trees.  Also we've reached intermission and I think it's time to grab a beer... Don't judge.

5:58
All right.  I got my beer and I'm ready to go.

6:01
Is it weird that when the school girl (noki?) followed a fuzzy yellow tail being dragged around a corner I thought she might find a dead Pokemon?  Instead she finds a man in a fuzzy yellow outfit with a tail extending from his genitals.  He tells her to pull it (??????? WHAT???) and when she does he turns into another person.  He then pops out from a door in a school boy outfit that is way too small (I can see your undies!!). 

6:04
After 3 hours and ten minutes of explaining to her what they are doing.  She finds out they are trying to save some alien planet.  In order to do so she has to inject some alien thing into her belly button.  This is just getting kind of gross.  Maybe its a good thing I'm not watching with my roommates.  Once she does a giant... umm...  hole appears seeping a puss like substance.  And what does one do when presented with a giant hole?  The school boy man sticks his hand in it.  I'm officially grossed out. 

6:09
This movie would probably be an hour shorter if they didn't repeat everything 20+ times.

6:10
Annnd they just pulled a teeny tiny man out of the hole.  What.  The.  Fu*k.

6:12
Apparently they are a comedy troupe called the shorty trio and this was all a story being told by a woman probably one of the vixens while her boyfriend or at least some guy tries to propose to her.  Sorry to break this to you buddy but if a girl is going on about a guy being pulled out of a strange orifice then she probably isn't listening and or going to say yes to marriage.  Just a thought. 

6:14
And now we turn to homeroom adventures.  Where a desperate student tries to find out what happened to his shoe before he goes to gym class.  Later it's pointed out that his shoes were on his feet the whole time.  What a dummy. 

6:16
The bits between the stories are the best part.  It's like bloopers.  That never end.

6:17
Oh my god.  I'm pretty sure this chubby white guitar brother has candy just sticking to his shirt at all times.  GENIUS!!

6:18
Okay.  Better example.  This movie is like an Asian Monty Python directed by Tarantino, but still lacking violence.  Beer was a great idea.

6:21
Did I just see a baby Asian Norwegian Troll?  What is that?  Whatever it is, one of the vixens is coming his nose hair while she is talking about other girls in her class to a little girl.  I'm pretty sure she is going to eat this troll.  And yup.  Just took a bite.

6:22
This movie just keeps getting weirder.  Now it's two guys with aliens attached them.  One of them has a robot butthole and is telling the little boy with him to stick the alien tail up his robot butthole.  I don't know whether to laugh or be disgusted.  I'll go with laughter.  So many strange things don't even have time to explain them all. 

6:25
Is someone jerking off a baby alien attached to a "mother ship".  I use the term mother ship because it looks like a plant but if the plant was a naked woman with her legs in the air.  The students are overjoyed and rush to celebrate with crooked teeth man who then goes on to have a freak out montage with dissolves and overlaps.  I can't handle this.  It's too funny.

6:30
Man I wish people cheered me like that when I have a boyfriend.  Ooo snap.  Crazy crooked teeth man is back and having another freak out.  Seems like someone is lacking basic social skills.  Poor guy.  He's just misunderstood. 

6:33
DELISH!! -- watch and you will understand.  Totally just stole the scene.

6:35
Mini intermission?  I've never seen that before.  Interesting.

6:39
Singles picnic!  Hope you're ready to Par-Tay!  Except it looks like it's just going to be a sausage fest.  That is until running girl that loves trees shows up.  But she ends up running right by them.  Oooo.  Too bad boys.  Crooked teeth is freaking out again.  Can someone give him some Xanax or something?   Also, leave it to the chubster to always have snickers handy to cheer everyone up.   Hate to sound racist but does this white kid even know what the hell is going on?  Because I sure don't.

6:43
Please end this movie with some more awesome dancing!!! Woah.  The guy actually can dance.
"Better than Minnie Mouse"

6:47
I don't know if I have just given up hope that there might be some sort of plot or meaning in this movie, but I can't stop laughing at it.  WHAT AM I WATCHING!?

6:52
Noooo seriously.  What I am watching?  Ball flicks?  Teets (cow style)?  Is this really how they practice badminton?  If so, she is pretty terrible at it.

7:07
This movie is like 40 years too late.  It belongs in the Dali era if you ask me.

7:10
Another dream sequence?  This time it's Notti (I think that's her name).  I feel like this dream may not be as awesome as the other dream.  Mainly because it's just a girl playing a violin in a forest so far.

7:15
Annyong?

7:22
Are they ending on a dance number?  Hooray.  The dance parts are my favorite.  Followed by the strange and absurd classroom scenes.  USO-USO-SO-SO!


7:27
And it's done.  All I can say is hmmmm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3wQio3fbqE

Another Challenge?? Say What!?!?

I know that I am such a great and intellectual writer when it comes to movie summaries and very very brief critiques, so I have decided to accept another movie challenge.  This one however is going to be a little different.

THE RULES:
1.  Watch Capo's top ten crazy Asian flicks in one weekend.
2.  Pass Capo's movie quiz testing all my knowledge of crazy Asian flicks.  (This may or may not be filled with difficult, trick questions.  But he said that their may be bonus questions for me to redeem myself).

Sounds easy enough right?  Maybe?  I wish I knew how hard these questions were going to be and, even though people think I watch a ton of Asian cinema (does Bollywood count?), I have only heard of one of these movies.  And after watching a few of the Capo recommendations during the Netflix challenge, I feel that these movies would be improved with a few adult beverages.  Now you may ask, "Kristi, what are you getting at?".  Well, if you know me you know I have the memory of an 83 year old woman (get that from my father) so in order to remember what actually went on in these movies I decided to bring back THE BLOG!

You can thank me later... or don't.  I don't really care.