7:23 pm
It begins. The graphics and opening are amazing. I can tell this is going to be a great movie.
7:25
I'm confused. Is this the movie? They say this is the laser cut copy intro edition. Looks like someone made this with a home camera with a mask bought from a Halloween Express store. The main character Toxie is performing street shows for money. Too bad he isn't talented because he isn't making shit. I feel like the reporter is giving an equally bad performance.
7:27
Is this really the movie? Toxie is performing "tricks" for cocaine now. He just gave some to the intro reporter guy. I feel like I'm watching a short on youtube. Is this real life??
7:28
False alarm. That wasn't the movie. But it was sponsored by a Crack is Whack campaign. And now the movie is starting.
7:29
Melvin, I assume the main character, is extremely excited to mop up the floors in one of the weirdest gyms I've ever seen. Sweet work out montage opening. Wooo!! Nothing like making out and getting groped while at the gym. That's the best work out right?
7:30
Oooo fat girl at gym was eating ice cream sandwich. Now I want an ice cream sandwich.
7:31
"He's always got that shit eating grin on his face"
7:32
Melvin is really bad at mopping the floors. Some asswipe just had a major over reaction to his mopping. He basically pulled out his hair and screamed that he threw off his karma. The acting in this is HILARIOUS. I LOVE IT
7:34
Apparently $15 can reserve the whole gym for you for a night.
7:36
These hot tub dicks from earlier are racists that are out to hit people with their cars. It's part of a game and some are worth more points. Better drink in order to make this game more interesting. Kids on a bicycle are worth 28 points for some reason. I guess he's worth less points because he is wearing a helmet.
7:37
I hate to say it. But watching that kid get run over made me laugh. It's all because of the insane story line/plot mixed with the terrible camera work and acting.
7:39
Man this guy has a steroid problem. Also running over children on bikes is okay in this movie. As long as you go to church the next day.
7:40
Jesus. Doesn't this movie even have a point yet? I don't even know how to react to these scenes and how stupid they are. They just keep coming to fast. After some pointless scenes, the hot tub jerks have decided to try and sabotage Melvin. First plan of attack, have blondie seduce him.
7:42
Some toxic waste drivers decide to stop and park with their toxic waste in front of the gym, so they can do crack of course (does one do crack or do you smoke it? Shoot up? I'm behind on my drug knowledge I guess)
7:44
Back to evil plot. Blondie gave him a tutu and says he needs to wear it because it's pink and pink is her favorite color. Oh Jesus he is even wearing a pink unitard now and carrying his mop (can't leave home without it)
7:45
They tricked him into hugging and almost kissing a sheep so he decides to jump out of the second story window right into the toxic waste. Sooo many gross men in speedos right now. Where are all these people coming from. Apparently the whole town came to watch him get horribly disfigured by this toxic waste.
7:48
And now he's on fire. He ran home and locked himself in the bathroom while his mom sits outside knocking on the door to make sure he is okay. Gross. A framed picture of his mother in a heart is sitting next to him while he is in the bathtub.
7:49
Dumb bitch! Does smoke usually come from the bottom of the door when someone is all right? AND TOXIE IS BORN!! And mother is ecstatic because she thinks Melvin just had his balls drop.
7:51
I don't even know how to comment on this stuff. There is a group of three thugs, one in over the top 50s housewife attire drag), betting up a cop. One calls himself cigar head because he puts out cigars on peoples head. They are about to shoot him in the genitals. But Toxie, still in his tutu (but no pink unitard), comes to save the day. The drag queen fixes her make up during this.
7:54
There are some grade A special effects and sound effects going on. How have I never heard of this movie before? Good ole Toxie, cleaning up the streets with his... Mop?
7:59
I can feel my mind get dumber as I watch the sad monster montage. Where is Keanu Reeves to join him in feeding the pigeons? Toxie made a home in a junk yard but luckily managed to save the mommy picture from his bathroom to put in his new home.
8:02
Who ever thought this movie was a good idea? Better thought, what actor would think this is a great film that will benefit their career? I guess that explains the great performances in this movie.
8:04
What the F*ck!! They just killed a dog? Not cool, man, not cool.
8:07
Death by ice cream. Best way to go. Also, I wonder if this is what Sloth would have been like if Steven Spielberg didn't get involved.
8:10
Ooh boy. Did Toxie just get himself a love interest? I would think so by the soundtrack they are playing.
8:15
So he just went back to the gym for no apparent reason and is going on a killing rampage. This doesn't really make sense for his character, but most things in this movie don't make sense.
8:17
We finally see his face!!! I thought they might go the whole film without showing it.
8:18
"You can tell all you little scum friends that things are going to change in this town. I'm not just another pretty face"
8:22
Man this blind girl gets harassed a lot. Now there is a love montage between the two of them. Including many hit in the balls moments. Gross she makes steam come out of him. This has to be a comedy. There is no way this meant to be taken seriously. I think they just moved in together in his junk yard house so they can hula hoop and do other things that couples in love do.
8:25
I don't know about you but my first thoughts when being chased my a trash monster is to run into the basement that is littered with trash.
8:26
They did a terrible job dubbing this. The crying isn't even close to being synced up.
8:27
Wow I don't think I've ever seen someone beat an old lady like that before.
8:33
Did I miss something? Why did he just put that little person in the washing machine and turn it?
8:41
The mayor is sick of this vigilante and has called the governor who has assigned the National Guard to come and help kill Toxie. It's up to the townspeople to save him!
8:45
"You fat slob, let's see if you have any guts"
Summary:
This was a pretty terrible movie. The writing was bad. The acting was bad. The sound was horrendous. The camera work god awful. The make up. There's not even words for the make up. This is B Movies at it's finest because despite everything they did wrong, it was pretty entertaining. I would watch this movie again. In fact, I believe there are sequels to this movie. I hope they are just as terrible as this was.
Rating: ** (only because I laughed waaay to much during this movie)
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